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October 13, 2006. Today, you are a member of...

Memo to Members:
Thirteen Things to Be Afraid of on Friday the 13^th

Yes, yes, the growing deficit, Death, Snakes on a Plane, North Korea – all very valid phobia sources. But, dear members, there is much more to Friday the 13^th than that. Here’s a list of seldom-mulled terrors:

• Air Conditioners. Now that fall is here, no one in paying them any mind. But look up – there they are, stuffed precariously into all those windows, plotting at ways to be useful again. When they realize you want to winterize them, they may decide to jump.
• Aerosmith. Or any other haggy male band from the 70s that are currently doing a zombified impersonation of their former selves. Take your pick: Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, The Eagles – for them EVERY day is Halloween.
• Alopecia Universalis – the loss of all body hair. What would all those waxers do for income? Plus, imagine the clean-up.
• High Fructose Corn Syrup. It’s in, like, EVERYTHING. Do we really need Fructose and Glucose in salteens?
• Plastic Surgery. It’s not just for noseless syphilis victims or war injuries anymore. Now your 12 year-old daughter can look like a blow-up doll and Grandma’s face can be shellaced into a pleasing mask of perpetual surprise.
• Any attempt by the Hollywood hack mill at remaking BULLITT. Zombie Steve McQueen is not to be trifled with.
• My Bling Bling Barbie. Don’t let all that faux fool you. That bitch is crazy.
• The tremendous lack of Dave Chapelle in our lives. Period.
• Text Messaging. Can you imagine the appendages people will use after the inevitable thumb sprain epidemic?
• This Guy. Only because you'll find yourself agreeing with him.
• Don Rickles lives. And has a terrible website.
• Clowns. It’s an old stand-by that Ed Gein successfully drilled into a rule.
• Pants-off Dance-off. Because you can't look away.